I think I'm having a midlife crisis. I expected it would be a need to exult in the things of youth. The car you always wanted; a trophy wife; sowing oats and all that. But it really isn't. It is just getting tired of bearing the responsibility of being an adult. Every year there is more and more responsibility of being an adult. bills, retirement, job responsibility, kids (if you have them), and being a good husband. And you accumulate that weight gradually over the years. And suddenly one day you are very, very aware of it.
That's where I am today. I am very very tired of bearing the weight of all of my responsibilities. I want to have time to play and be preparation-free. I want to act without considering consequences. I want to splurge on things (and not cars and women, but art and music, and experiences like travel and learning). I want to be able to do these things without telling anyone in advance or having to explain my absence when I get home.
I took today off to have a ME-cation. And this is what I have done.
- At a big salty, high-fat/carb breakfast at iHop while reading comics and drinking lots of coffee from a ceramic cup
- Updated the website of (one of) the non-profits for which I volunteer.
- Blasted music in the house while I cleaned the trash out of the office (seriously it looked like a landfill).
- Cleared out the cardboard boxes and trash from the back porch. It was on the brink of getting out of hand.
And I may do more still. It's been my most productive day in a month. Tonight Heather and I are going to see Chris Hardwick perform his stand-up routine (which has been postponed twice!) and hopefully I can corner him afterwards and get him to sign something. I'm glad I've had this day alone to work on all this other stuff, though. So I can put this day in my "good day" pile.
The point I think I'm trying to make is that I did most of this stuff for me. It is stuff that has been bugging me on the periphery and I am nailing it down because it is in my control. I can't control the responsibility that I have to carry around, but I can set it down, stretch and maybe enjoy the moment before pickup that (heavy ass) responsibility pile and lugging it forward once more.